Exhale Art

I am scared to begin shooting tomorrow. I know that I have all of the equipment, a DVX Camera, a light kit, boom pole, mic, XLR cable, headphones…tape…tripod…

It’s my first project as a college student, but more, it’s my first project as an ACTUAL director. It is hard taking responsibility for your life. The second I set up the shot, yell “quiet on the set!” and begin shooting my 5 minute project: that’s it. That is the moment of truth, and I am terrified.

For years all I have wanted to be was a filmmaker, a director, once more a FEMALE DIRECTOR. It has been a fantasy; like a car, or a dirty-rich Italian vineyard owner, or my own island. Something that always seemed so far away and impossible that it was safe to think about. But here I am, awake, writing, editing, wondering WHEN my 160GB External Harddrive will arrive in the mail. What do I do?

What do I do. What if I am no good at this? I already feel I am not. I think that the harder question is, What if I am good at this? Following your dreams is tough, it’s like love. It’s loving yourself and who you are with and what you are doing enough to take a step back and figure out what is worth giving up. In a field that most people chuckle at (like filmmaking or writing) the lack of support can really get you down when you are down. And in debt. And creatively blocked.

My backup plan is a lawyer, or maybe a presidential speech writer (for the next Obama?). Those “serious” careers were always interests of mine but they never gave me the rush of framing a shot, of writing poetry, of teaching others how to white balance, or edit, or composing a shot. One image can change the world.

One image, from one person, can change the mind, of one person. And if you think about the power of language, and color, and placement, and letters, emails, blogs, virtual worlds, youtube, facebook…all I can think of is Iraq, of Sierra Leone, of free elections, of cancer, of racism, of divorce, of boys and girls and freedom and love. Ideas and images; that is the kind of difference I want to make.

Someone once told me that I should do one thing every day that terrifies me; and that if I am scared I am probably headed in the right direction. She said to never be complacent, and that it would all be worth it in the end. Because the end is just the ability to look back, and be proud of the choices you have made.

50 years from now I want to say that I had the courage to pick up that camera, that I had the skills and the intuition to really create something–that if all else after this project has failed, I will have 5 minutes captured of a time, where I breathed in truth, and exhaled art.

-Katche.